I was watching the Gilmore Girl revival and I was really struck by the situation the mom finds herself in. She has always thought of herself as the brave one. Always had plans for after…. Always had goals she’d achieve when… And she suddenly realizes she has built a very safe life. That she has worked very hard to put off When. But When is now moving on without her. And she isn’t who she wanted to be. She didn’t do what she wanted to.
She is not alone. We all do it. It’s busy. It’s easy. It’s scary. We have plans for When. We can’t do it now… but we’ll do it When…
So many things, dreams, being, doing; we’re packing up and putting behind doors. We fold them and tuck them into safe little spots behind tightly closed doors, sure that we’ll come back for them. When we have time. When we’re ready. When the situation is better. When we have more money. When we’re older. When the job is less busy. When the kids are older. When …..when….. When?
We fool ourselves into complacency with our fantasies of doing those things we deem important. Things we believe are part of who we are, even though we haven’t actually done them. We pencil them into our life resume, cuz we’ll do it when….
Suddenly When has left us and Never is in his place. That right time we’ve been waiting for has left us with lots of blank spots in our picture of who we are. Because those pieces never got beyond the penciled in.
So that brave, sassy, invincible, spontaneous adventurous person we believed was waiting in the mirror When. Well they’re just tired and sad and Never.
And if we don’t bravely become who we are meant to be, if we don’t let go of the fear of what everyone will think or what might go wrong, we’ll stay in our quiet little spot behind folded little desires and dreams, wondering what would have happened if today wasn’t Never but Now.
I’m with you there. I’m working on being who I’ve always meant to be – me. Not the really nice girl that always fits in and never disagrees. Not the one who tries not to ask too many questions or make you feel uncomfortable. But the real person who is silly and smart and sometimes doesn’t fit in. Or act like others expect.
Because if I can’t be me now. If I can’t take risks to chase my dreams, and move to cool places. If I can’t do things that scare me now. It’s never. If I can’t care more about being who I think I should be than who others want me to be, I’ll never be me. And that is a sad story. I don’t want it to be Never.