Ask most people what is on their list for the “perfect mate” or even friends and relatives, you will hear lots of things. Probably looks, sense of humor, intelligence will show up on most lists. But something you are highly unlikely to hear – Empathy.
Empathy, what does that even really mean? Think of a few things: low on selfishness, aware of other’s feelings, ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, and most of all caring about how other’s are feeling and experiencing their life.
Obviously, some people are more empathetic than others. And everyone does not need to walk around in tears, like a fuzzy teddy bear, anticipating your thoughts and needs. What I am talking about is the basic function of empathy – the ability to understand, honor and validate other’s opinions, needs and value.
Sometimes it is easiest to understand if you think about the opposite of empathy. The opposite would be entitlement, selfishness, “it’s all about me.” This is much beyond self-care. This lack of empathy is shown when the person dismisses the other’s pain as irrelevant or unimportant. The only thing they care about is how this affects them.
An example of this lack of empathy would be a husband/wife who is angry when their spouse gets sick so is not able to make dinner or do laundry. The non-empathetic person is not interested/concerned about the sick spouse or their needs. They’re just angry that they are being inconvenienced, perhaps having to get or make their own dinner/do their own laundry.
They may even nag, manipulate, lecture or rage at the sick person for “allowing” themselves to get sick and make life “more difficult” for the non-empathetic partner. It can even escalate to “punishing” the sick person, accusing, or retaliating (since you aren’t doing this for me – I’m not going to do anything for you).
Again, this is beyond self-care; this is lack of empathy/caring about others beyond how they benefit me. This is beyond the immaturity of a child because we are talking about adults who should have by this time matured and developed empathy. Depending on the extremity of this lack of empathy, it can be a sign of someone with Narcissistic tendencies.
One of the significant Red Flags of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is this lack of empathy, the difficulty to look at most situations in a way other than how it affects them.
This is a real problem in relationships. Relationships develop and grow as the people care for each other, value the other’s needs and validate the other persons needs, desires, and qualities.
This needs to be valuing the other person because of who they are, not just for how they benefit you. That is the sign of a mutually caring, healthy relationship rather than an almost servant/master or employee/employer relationship in a marriage or family.
If caring/needs are primarily focused on meeting one person’s desires with retaliation (verbal, emotional, physical) when their needs are not met, this is an unbalanced relationship. Empathy is necessary to keep the relationship in balance and value both members of the relationship.
Do you have a lop-sided relationship with someone, where one of you is not manifesting empathy? It may be time for a re-assessment of that relationship and whether it is healthy for you.