Sometimes when we’re younger we dream of where we will live when we grow up. You might have dreamed of a the house in the suburbs with the white picket fence. Or maybe you hoped for a home in a small town or an acreage just outside the city limits, for the peace and quiet. Maybe you wanted the excitement and thrill of a big city, near lots of people and things to do.
But I’ll bet that nowhere in that dream were there 200 pound dogs running through your living room, peeing on your carpet and chewing up your blankets. Or neighbors wandering through your bedroom and bathroom at all hours of the night.
Why not? Why don’t we just leave the doors and windows wide open all of the time?
What do we do when they announce on the TV that there is a dangerous person roaming the area? We close and lock doors, we don’t let strangers in, we are more careful about who we let near our house and in our house. We refuse to interact with people whom we don’t know to be safe and trustworthy, to respect us and our property.
Why don’t we do that with our emotional life, our relationships and our bodies? Maybe it is our desire to NOT label someone as dangerous, selfish or a “taker”. Maybe it is our difficulty in believing that we would let someone like that into our lives, homes and families. But ignoring the truth does not make it so. Maybe it is just that we are worried someone won’t like us or will think we are not “nice”.
However, when we accept being treated poorly, when we don’t set boundaries, we are actually teaching others that it is fine with us for them to treat us that way. No need to make an effort or treat us with respect, there will be no consequences. And if we have children, we are teaching them also, that it is okay to treat or be treated with disrespect.
So gather any and all of those reasons that will help you, and let’s outline your boundary, your fence to your house (your Self). Just like you don’t want trucks driving through your front lawn night and day, we are going to put up lines, fences, boundaries to direct traffic. We want to help others know how to treat us, what we will “put up with” and what we won’t.
If you haven’t had boundaries before, you may get some pushback from some people (those who disrespected you before) and some validation from those who want you to be healthy and happy. Let’s face it, if I have always cut through your yard on my way home every day, when you put up the fence. I am going to protest the inconvenience of making an effort at first. And then I will learn to walk around the fence.
So, start with a basic list of a few things that are important to you. Number one might be not allowing name-calling or yelling at you.
How do you implement this? First, and VERY IMPORTANTLY, is to start calm. Take a deep breath and blow it out slowly. Then say something like: “I am not going to be talked to like that. We are done talking” or “done talking till the name calling/yelling stop.”
This is not engaging in arguing, blaming or name-calling, you want to totally avoid that. Don’t stoop to their actions. Don’t respond to their tries to provoke you into responding. Just calmly and strongly repeat like a tape recorder (no escalating emotions) and remove yourself from the situation, whether that means going to another room, going to your car, going for a walk, or if on the phone – “I am hanging up now” and then DO IT!
If you say that you are not going to be talked to like that, be ready to stand your ground. If you say you won’t accept that behavior and then you do – you just became a liar. And you told the other person – do whatever you want because I won’t do anything about it.
Why is this an important first boundary? When voices are raised, this is a sure sign that no one is listening and emotions are running too high for compassion, cooperation and compromise.
So the healthiest thing you can do for all is to set this boundary of not being spoken to disrespectfully, called names or yelled at. Needless to say, you need to not treat others disrespectfully either. That includes your children. Don’t worry, if you did it in the past, today is a new day to act a new way.
Pick another boundary that you want to put in place. Don’t be afraid to change, knowing that you accepted other behaviors before.
For example, if you feel more comfortable, start with a statement something like “I will no longer …” as in I will no longer wait dinner more than 30 minutes for you. I will eat without you. (If you want. you can add – I will put yours in the fridge, you will need to make yourself something, etc.)
Choosing to protect and care for yourself is part of a healthy and in-born need for self-care and is there until something dulls those responses. Then we may ignore our gut and red flags, allowing ourselves to be mistreated. Be sure to do whatever is necessary to keep yourself safe as you start this healthy practice of re-establishing boundaries.
Most people may not notice or will only be mildly annoyed at the change. You may find some will begin to respect you more and treat you better now that you have begun to respect yourself and require it from others.
Some people will be thankful to see you practicing healthy self-care. Some may even be inspired to put better boundaries in place for themselves.
If you have someone in your life who has shown themselves to be aggressive or even dangerous, the first boundary you may need to put in place, is to create a plan to get yourself (and children if you have them) to a safe place, putting distance between you and the abuser.
If possible, reach out to trusted friends, family or co-workers. There are organizations with people who have been where you are, that can help when someone is hurting you. One of these is the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800 799 -SAFE (7233) or TTY 800 787 3224. There are usually local organizations too. But please call someone before there is regret.
Know that Verbal and Emotional abuse are just as much abuse as Physical abuse. Physical abuse is commonly preceded by Verbal and Emotional abuse. Just because you can’t always see the scars from Verbal and Emotional Abuse, does not mean it does not hurt as much.
You deserve better, whether you know it or not, no matter what that other person may be telling you.
Building better boundaries could really be the beginning of building your dreams come true. Start today!